Hogwarts List
by Ammie Hawk
Summary: While on break Hermione stumbles upon Harry Potter fanfiction and decides to make a list of things that are inaccurate about them. Complete for now, but I might add more to the list later.


Things not allowed at Hogwarts: Crossover/Fanfic edition

By Ammie Hawk

Okay so I've read a lot of things not to do at Hogwarts and I came up with some that apply to fanfiction and thought it would be hilarious. And if anyone finds this list offensive, you should check out my profile and all questions should be answered there.

Things Not Allowed at Hogwarts

Hermione Granger, a seventh year Muggleborn Gryffindor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat at her computer during the Christmas break. It was the first time in awhile that she had taken the opportunity to spend time away from her two best friends, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. But as she sat there looking for something interesting to read on the internet, little did our unsuspecting Gryffindor know that she would soon be entering _The Twilight Zone_. (Cue ominous music.)

She was scrolling through a page of recommended reading material when she found something that piqued her interest, a website dedicated to fanfiction, a place where people put up stories they had come up with about their favorite books, movies, or whatever. Wanting to see what it was all about she clicked on the link. She was redirected to a page with a list of subjects to choose from. As she scrolled through the new list, one subject in particular caught her eye.

Even more interested than before she clicked on the link. She picked the first story she came to and began reading. Confusion set in as she realized someone had accurately discovered the truth of the magical world and had written a story about it. She was surprised the Ministry hadn't done anything to stop it's publication as it was a serious breech in the Statute of Secrecy.

All that aside she continued reading about the adventures of Harry Potter and what his Muggle fans had come up with. For the rest of the break she stayed glued to the computer, only pausing her reading to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. By the time break ended, she had laughed, cried, been completely disgusted, and ashamed. Before going back to Hogwarts though, she decided she would post a list of accurate things about Hogwarts, I mean, what could it hurt after all, the Muggles obviously already knew enough.

On the train she shared her discovery with her two best friends. Harry was appalled to hear that he had even more fans than he thought, while Ron was actually rather pleased that he had some fans out there, even if they were only Muggles. Hermione decided to show them her list of facts that she had posted before leaving.

Things that would Never Happen at Hogwarts

by Bushy-haired-Gryffindor

1. Dumbledore did not, under any circumstances, hire any anime characters to protect one Harry Potter, same goes for any sitcom characters.

2. Voldemort is not, in any way, shape, or form, Harry Potter's father, nor is Snape.

3. Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are Harry's best friends, they were not hired by Dumbledore to spy on him.

4. Men cannot get pregnant, nor is there a potion or spell to cause such a phenomenon. And just because they have magic does not make them capable of said pregnancy.

5. Harry Potter is in no way related to any character from another story, movie, or anime, no matter how much their lives run parallel.

6. Ginny Weasley is in no way a Mary Sue, no matter how much protesting goes into this matter.

7. Hogwarts does not accept transfer students, exchange possibly, but not transfers. (At least not that is ever written about.)

8. Harry Potter is not a girl!

9. Harry Potter is not gay.

10. Drarry, Snarry, Dramione, etc are not couples around Hogwarts and saying they should drop anything and start snogging or shagging is just wrong.

11. What exists between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy is not unresolved sexual tension, and it would not be best if they just 'kissed and made up'.

12. Hermione Granger is a witch, there is no logical way, under those circumstances, that she could be any form of Christian.

13. Harry is not an emo goth.

14. Muggles cannot see Hogwarts.

15. Harry Potter is not a magical creature and does not have a predetermined mate. Nor are Draco Malfoy or Snape.

16. The power Voldemort knows not is love, not some strange new power or weapon that Harry can find at an undisclosed location.

17. The wizarding world does not follow the pagan theology.

18. The Minister of Magic would not insist on arranged marriage, he would lose his place as minister.

19. Harry Potter would never, under any circumstances, join Voldemort or become the next Dark Lord.

20. Draco Malfoy, no matter his looks, is not a girl, nor is he gay.

21. There is no way to bring back the dead.

22. There is no SPELL that can transport any of the present students to the past, or future.

23. There are no portals between worlds.

24. Chakra is not the same as magic.

25. Harry Potter was not physically or sexually abused by the Dursleys, emotionally is up to debate.

26. Harry Potter was not adopted.

27. Harry Potter doesn't have a twin who was declared the Boy/Girl-who lived.

28. Harry Potter did not get placed in Slytherin.

29. Harry Potter is not a mutant.

30. Harry Potter does not lead a double life as a Muggle anything.

31. Purebloods, while they look down on Muggles, do not believe they are cavemen, or Neanderthals.

32. There is only one true Invisibility Cloak, and it belongs to Harry Potter.

33. Non-verbal spells are hard to master, wandless magic is even harder, one cannot simply learn them overnight.

34. Just because someone can cook does not mean they will be good at Potions.

35. Defense Against the Dark Arts is not referred to as DADA, no matter how much easier it is to say.

36. The Room of Requirements is not on the Marauder's Map, not only did they not know about it, it would've been impossible to put on as it always changes and sometimes just isn't there.

37. Snape is not Harry's other godfather.

38. Snape would never get involved with a Marauder.

39. Harry is not an honorary member of Slytherin house.

40. Draco Malfoy would never be disowned by his parents, while they may be scum they do care for their son.

41. The majority of the Death Eaters would not turn their back on Voldemort.

42. There is not some strange new character that shows up at the last possible moment and saves Harry from killing Voldemort by doing it themselves.

43. Harry Potter is not a player or a pimp.

44. Polygamy is against the law.

45. Harry Potter sucked at Occlumancy, there is no way he could learn both that and Legillimancy in the space of a month.

46. The one ring is not one of Voldemort's horcruxes, nor does he have it in his possession.

47. Hobbits are not listed among Magical Creatures. Nor are any others from Tolkien.

48. Dragons do not speak Parseltongue.

49. Harry Potter does not know how to use a Muggle firearm.

50. There are no computers at Hogwarts, as electronics don't work, and most wizards would be horribly confused if anyone tried to explain one to them.

Under no circumstances is anyone to take an idea from this list and write a fanfic.

* * *

"You mean to tell me," Harry asked incredulously, "that there are people out there who have actually written about these things?"

"Oh, yes, Harry," Hermione nodded. "I read several of them over break, and these were the blatantly obvious facts that disturbed me enough to post them on the website. However, I'm sure there were many more and I will add to it at a later date."

"Bloody hell," Ron shook his head. "This is just too unreal. I mean the fact that the ministry would allow something like that out in the Muggle world is unheard of." Then he added dreamily, "But I've got fans. People actually know who I am."

"Well, goody for you, Ron," Harry scoffed. "This is just wrong on so many levels."

The trio fell silent for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. Harry was distracted as he spotted a shock of blonde hair pass by the compartment. He shot out of his seat and stuck his head out into the hall.

"Oi, Malfoy," he called after his long-time rival.

"What do you want, Potter?" the Slytherin sneered at the Boy-Who-Lived.

"I've got a theory to test," he darted out into the hallway.

Before the blonde could protest, or even realize what was going on, Harry crashed his lips to his. Malfoy was so shocked by what his rival was doing that for a moment he didn't respond, but then his mind caught up and he shoved the brunette away from him.

"What in the name of Merlin were you thinking, Potter?" he began rubbing his mouth furiously with his sleeve.

"Just testing a theory," Harry began dry heaving and turned back to his compartment.

He sat down heavily in his seat by the window, still heaving violently. His friends looked at him in confusion.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione looked concerned.

"You were right, Hermione," he finally panted out, "there's nothing but loathing between Malfoy and me."

* * *

AN: Okay, so it's completely random and out there but it was fun, and I had several laughs coming up with things that supposedly bug me about fanfiction. Anyway, I hope you like and tell me what you think.


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